November 1st

Well, it came and went. I wasn't sure how I would feel about the day when it finally came. Our due date. My friend Amy once said about her miscarriage, "As long as I'm pregnant again by the time the due date rolls around, I'll feel ok." I definitely think that it helps to be pregnant, but my heart aches a little knowing that I don't think I would feel ready to have a newborn right now. It makes it feel like it never happened. I feel confused that I don't feel more sad. Not sure if God has used the time to heal my heart, or if I'm just focused on the new pregnancy.

I had a feeling that something was going to go wrong with that pregnancy. Maybe my eyes just opened to the frequency of others who had experienced loss. Pregnancy is such a fragile thing, and I so took it for granted when I was pregnant with Lizzy. Total ignorant bliss.

I still feel uneasy about this current pregnancy. It doesn't help that we have had complications. Our next ultrasound is November 11th, and I keep thinking I'll feel better when.... When I can see the baby, when I can hear the heartbeat, when I stop bleeding, when I actually gain some weight. I know it doesn't help to be anxious, and I do have times when I let go and give control back to God where it stinking belongs. But I have times that the lump in my throat is just building and building and I can't make the ache in my heart stop. Kathleen says I need to cry more, little pressure releases so I don't end up blowing a fuse. I'm still learning how to process and be congruent. I really wish I had a better grasp on that before I did lots of things. I've definitely made some progress, and ready to tackle some more.